Fic: Near-Life Experience, 3/4
Title: Near-Life Experience
Author: salixbabylon
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4990
Disclaimer: No offense meant at all to the real guys. This is just fiction, people.

Summary: Sometimes it only takes one phone call to change your entire life...
Written for the spn_comingclean challenge.

Notes: Love love love for sarka, for listening, reading, and removing one hundred thousand commas. (I only put a few of them back in. *g*)

Part 1, Part 2



Near-Life Experience


The next day, Jensen had a bug up his butt about something and was a massive bitch, refusing to be cajoled out of it. Jared couldn't believe what a drama queen he was being and seriously hoped it didn't have anything to do with the fact that he'd kissed him last night. But if it did, well, Jensen should just say something and not be a giant dickhead all day.

Jensen had calmed down after their dinner break, "gotten his panties untwisted" Jared had teased, and as a reward Jared offered to take him out to the bar they frequented after shooting was done. It was dark and cozy in their corner booth and if anyone had ever recognized them, they had kept it to themselves. The bartender usually didn't mind bringing them their next round if it wasn't too busy and they always left a nice tip.

Jensen kicked his feet up onto the bench next to Jared and drained about three-fourths of his drink in one go. "God, I needed that," he sighed, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. And then, in typical Jensen fashion, wiped his hand on a napkin rather than just his jeans like any normal dude would.

"How did I ever miss that you were gay?" Jared asked.

Booted feet kicked him. "Fuck you," he glared. "Not everything is black and white. And I'm not gay."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Fine; bi, then."

Jensen made a face, wrinkling his nose. "I don't even know if I'm that."

"Have you ever had an orgasm because of another guy?" Jared asked pointedly. Jensen started to reply but he cut him off, "Not counting jacking off thinking about Jeff, of course."

"Well, if that doesn't count..." Jensen grinned.

Jared gave him a pointed look.

"Fuck, you are a nosy bitch," he said shaking his head. He put his bottle down with more noise than was necessary and met Jared's eyes in a challenge. "Yeah. Made out with and got sucked off by a few guys. Returned the favor. Fucked one guy. Never been fucked."

Jared raised his eyebrows, a grin spreading across his face. Jensen rolled his eyes. "Jensen is a virgin," he sang.

"Shut up! Am not."

"You're a gay ass virgin."

"I'm not gay!" Jensen protested, kicking him again, hard enough to bruise.

"Bi, then. Whatever," Jared grinned.

Jensen shook his head, looking angry, though there seemed to be no heat in it. There was something there, though...

"I can't believe you can deal with all this other shit, with the testing and the fact that either of us might fucking die, but you can't admit you like cock," Jared said.

Impatient, Jensen rolled his eyes. "Just sometimes. And whatever. Fuck you."

"Aww..." Jared nudged their knees together. "You're so messed up. Good thing I love you anyway."

"Ass." The affection in Jensen's voice was clear, though. "I'm going to get another round," he said, sliding out of their booth.

Jared watched him walk away, amused and intrigued as usual by the twisted logic of his friend's inner workings. And not looking at his butt.

Well, not much.

*****

The next few days were rough but better. It was starting to wear Jared down, though, all of this fretting. It was hard for him, a constant nagging burden. It would be hard for anybody, of course, but for a guy like Jared it was really fucking exhausting being this worried all the time. It pulled at his core self, his essence or whatever. Normally he was a pretty happy guy; "outgoing" and "gregarious," was what his teachers in high school used to say. ("Obnoxious" and "loud" was what Jensen usually said.) But lately? He'd been quiet and twitchy and withdrawn and it totally sucked, being like that. He just couldn't snap out of it and there were still six days to go. He had no fucking idea how he was going to get through them.

Even when he'd been miserable before, sad, upset over a heartbreak or when a friend had died in a motorcycle accident a few years ago, it still hadn't been like this. This was a fretful worry, like a scab he couldn't stop picking at, even though he knew the wound wasn't healing at all - and how come all of his analogies for emotional pain related to being injured anyway? Just what he had the most experience with, he guessed.

For all that Sam was really broody, Jared usually wasn't. This was just so weird and disconcerting for him – he wasn't used to feeling so alienated from the people around him. He felt like he was acting, only this was real life. And that was really fucking terrifying.

He couldn't even sleep anymore, and even when he did it was all bad dreams and light dozing, to the point that even looking at his bed made his guts start to get all knotted up. He was usually so solid. Sure, he was goofy and spastic sometimes, but he was a pretty grounded guy underneath the happy chaos, and the constant fear in the back of his head just made him feel wrong and off-center. It was horrible.

Lying on his bed, staring at the shadows on the ceiling, he reflected that at least he'd had something new to think about for the last couple of days: kissing Jensen.

It wasn't that he'd never thought about it before; it was just that he'd never really thought about it before. It had been sort of an impulse, and it had felt right at that moment, but he hadn't consciously considered Jensen that way. Only now, he couldn't stop. Considering him. Not on purpose, not seriously, but still - once you've had those kinds of thoughts, once you've tasted the inside of someone's mouth, it kind of makes you consider whether you'd want to do it again.

And Jared wasn't at all surprised to find that he did. Whether he honestly wanted to act on that desire was another question entirely. And whether Jensen would let him, or push him away, or even slug him, was another.

Despite the fact that those thoughts were complicated and not altogether pleasant, they sure as fuck beat the other thoughts he'd been having for the last week and a half...

And he hadn't jerked off in a few days, Jared realized out of the blue. Maybe that was part of what was getting him down, making him twitchy. He hadn't been able to since Friday morning when he'd remembered Scott in the shower, and, yeah. That had probably contributed to his extra energy, although he wasn't horny, not really. Just... off. Agitated.

Without drinking or jacking off Jared was running out of ideas for how to calm himself down, although yeah, actually he thought running might help. But it was after eleven at night by now and a little late to take the dogs out, even if they'd be up for it. He was starting to think that he probably had some addiction problems and wondered briefly if maybe he was a budding alcoholic - or nymphomaniac. And could guys be nymphos? Wasn't that a feminine word or something, he wondered briefly, before rolling his eyes at his own geekiness and grabbing his phone.

"I can't sleep," he said when Jensen picked up. "I know you have a late call tomorrow, so I figured you'd still be awake. If you're going to bed, though, just tell me and I'll stop bothering you."

"No, I was up; it's only a little after midnight. What's wrong?"

"Just..." he sighed. "I can't sleep."

"Yeah, looks like you haven't been," Jensen said in a sympathetic voice.

"Fuck. No, I guess I haven't. It's showing pretty badly then?"

He could almost hear Jensen's shrug. "I dunno about that. I mean, you always look like crap before makeup."

"Fuck off," he laughed.

"Nah; I can just tell. You look tired. Do you wanna talk about it?" he offered, yawning midway, the slow, lazy drawl starting to creep in around the edges. It was comforting.

Jared sighed.

"Maybe if you say it, it'll be less scary," Jensen prompted.

He thought about that for a minute. "What if sayin' it makes it more real?"

"Well, then you can deal with it rather than having it just floating around inside your head," Jensen argued.

"Never seen the armchair psychologist side of you before," Jared snorted.

"Shut up. I only pull out this stuff for chicks."

"Oh fine," he pouted.

"If the high-heeled shoe fits, man..."

"Do you think they even make heels in my size?" Jared pondered.

"Oh God, I don't wanna go there."

"Yeah, ok," Jared agreed. He paused for a minute. "I just, um. I'm scared. What if it's positive?"

"Well, then we'll deal with it, right?"

Even Jensen's comforting tone of voice wasn't dispelling the nausea that started churning in Jared's gut. "If it's positive, I'm gonna die," he said quietly.

"Jared," Jen sighed. "Everybody's gonna die. And they've come a long way with the medicine now, and who knows what'll change in the next ten years? And you're a pretty goddamn healthy dude - it's not like you'll drop dead in the next week. Maybe they'll even find a cure or something, one day."

"Yeah... But..."

Jared could hear Jen rolling his eyes impatiently, the slight sigh as Jared rejected the attempt to reassure him, and just let him talk anyway, get the ugly thoughts out.

"If I'm HIV positive, I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Who's gonna want to be with me, Jen? I mean, for sex, yeah, of course, but everything else too – dating, marriage, relationships. All of that." He tried really hard not to sniffle and hoped Jensen would just think he had a runny nose.

"Love?"

"Yeah," he said in a small voice, hating that he sounded so pathetic.

Jensen sighed. "You don't know that you'll be alone. I doubt you could be – everyone loves you. I mean, if someone's willing to put up with your girly brooding and stinky socks, I'm sure safe sex won't be a big deal. And that's if you're positive."

Jared snorted, amused and irritated and glad his friend was just being himself, even in the face of Jared's emo moment.

"Realistically, how big do you think the chances are that you'll be positive?" Jensen pushed.

"Well, we definitely had unprotected sex."

"Like, a lot?"

"I think it only takes the one time, Jen."

"Yeah but... Statistically speaking," he argued. "I mean, it wasn't your smartest moment, no, but I wouldn't have gone to get tested with you if I'd been wrapped in latex every single time myself."

"Yeah, but you're still mostly just along for the ride. I mean, the stats say the chances of girls giving it to guys are pretty slim. Right?"

Jensen was silent for a while, then cleared his throat. "Just because some behaviors are more risky than others doesn't mean anything."

"Jen? That was a long pause, there," he probed.

"Well..." he sighed. "There might have been a few more guys' names I added to that list later."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

"You kind of said there hadn't been that many when we were at the bar the other night, Mr. I'm Not Gay. And how come you never told me, anyway? That you were bi or whatever."

"I don't know!" Jensen said defensively. "I didn't want it to be weird and it didn't seem that important."

"Weird how?"

"Weird like this!"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to, I dunno, bond with you over how many guys' cocks you've sucked, any more than I wanna bond with you over how many chicks have sucked my dick," he said, flustered.

Jared laughed. "Yeah, I guess that would be weird."

"And God, Jay," he laughed, "Knowing you, if you were straight you'd probably want to throw me a parade to celebrate me being gay. And I'm not really the marching band type, you know?"

"Nah, you're much more the girl on the float, throwin' candy at everyone."

Jensen snorted. "Sure you're not talking about yourself there, buddy?"

"Oooh, what kind of candy do you think I should throw? Do you think they'd let me pick out what I wanted? That would be awesome. I bet they'd let me eat as much as I wanted, too, or anyway they couldn't stop me once the float got going... Although I guess they only drive, what, like two miles per hour?" Jared thought out loud.

Jensen groaned. "You're never gonna go to sleep, are you?"

"Oh. Sorry. You gettin' tired?"

"A little; it's after one," he answered, yawning. "Why don't you just come over? You always seem to sleep well on my couch."

"Nah, I have to get up early. In, fuck, five hours," Jared whined.

"Just think about something else."

"Like what?"

"You're in bed, right? I don't know, how about that one time we went hiking," Jensen suggested. His quiet voice described their walk through the redwood forest, the colors of the trees and plants and sky, reminding Jared of how peaceful it was.

In response, Jared's breathing evened out and knots of tension in his body started to loosen. His eyelids grew heavy and soon they closed as he listened to the sound of Jensen's voice rather than the actual words, hearing how his friend's exhaustion lengthened his vowels. Neither of them had much of an accent anymore but when they were tired it slipped out unconsciously, and it was incredibly soothing to hear how the words spread out more than usual...

"Jay?"

"Mmm... Yeah?"

Jensen chuckled quietly. "Come on, man, hang up the phone."

And those were the last words Jared remembered hearing until his alarm went off the next morning.

*****

Five more days to go, Jared kept telling himself. Today was Wednesday, the last of a nine-day shoot, and he only had pickups to do, even if there were a lot of them. He'd been a little off his game all week, big surprise. Hopefully there wouldn't be too many spots that also needed sound correction and he could be out of here at a reasonable hour. Jensen, the lucky bastard, had done most of his the day before and was only coming in for a couple of hours, tops, for the scenes they had together.

The day went as smoothly as it possibly could, and if Jared looked a little extra haggard and sleepless, well, Sam wasn't having a great time of it lately anyway and it didn't matter. Around noon he asked Jensen if he wanted to go out to dinner, to make up for being such a moody jerk for the last couple of weeks.

Jensen agreed, of course, as long as Jared was buying, and rather than go to one of their usual spots, Jared wanted to do something nice. Like a date, sort of, only not. Probably. Anyway, he asked around and made reservations and called Jensen to tell him to wear something other than a t-shirt and jeans.

"Wait, what? Like, how nice is this place? And why?" Jensen asked, an amusing note of suspicion coloring his voice.

Jared laughed. "It's not like you have to get dressed up. It's just, you know, dinner somewhere decent for a change. With waiters and everything."

"Whatever." He could almost hear Jensen roll his eyes.

"Great. Pick you up at seven," he said, wondering when his stomach had gone all fluttery. It was just Jen. His best friend. Who was apparently bi and also very hot, but still. Just because he hadn't shoved Jared away after their brief kiss didn't mean he wanted more.

Then again, it didn't mean he didn't either.

And honestly? Whether it worked out or not, it would be kind of fun to fuck with Jensen and act like it was a date, Jared thought, smiling to himself as he went to go get dressed.

Jared was determined to forget about the whole AIDS and impending-death thing for one night and turned all of his attention on his "date," in full-on charming mode. He complimented Jensen on his shirt when he picked him up and would have opened the door to his truck if Jen hadn't beaten him to it first. As they were shown to their table he mentioned again that he'd be getting the bill.

Jensen stopped and looked at him once the hostess had turned to leave. "Damn right you are. But if you hold out my chair for me, I'm gonna to have to hit you."

Jared rolled his eyes. "It makes me hot when you're so butch. Fine then, I'll be the girl," he laughed, looking pointedly at his own chair.

Snorting, Jensen sat down. He leaned back a little and kicked Jared's chair out for him, smirking.

"I'm failing to see the allure of the bad boy, here," Jared said, shaking his head.

"That part comes later," Jensen said with a leer that was pure Dean. "This is the part where you get to spend the whole dinner wondering just how good I am in bed, that people are willing to put up with my shit."

"Oh, I see. And?"

"You'll have to find out just like everybody else," he teased.

Jared laughed, although he did wonder at how easily Jensen fell into the flirting. Was it just another way to fuck with each other or was there something more there that he wasn't seeing? Either way, he decided over the course of dinner, this fake date with his best friend was one of the best he'd ever had. Conversation was easy and they laughed a lot and only drank just a little too much wine. And the food? Fucking fantastic. Jared wanted to go give his compliments to the chef, but as that would have involved walking on unsteady feet, it didn't seem like the best plan.

Ok, definitely too much wine, but whatever.

They had dessert in an attempt to sober Jared up, and when that failed Jensen said he'd drive. All of Jared's sleeplessness, combined with the alcohol and good food, was seriously messing him up. The filter between his brain and mouth seemed to dissolve, which wasn't that strange, but usually required a fuck of a lot of booze. Apparently ten days of insomnia made him a lightweight.

"Not a fucking lightweight," Jensen grumbled, manhandling him toward his front door.

"Awww... Do I get a good night kiss, darlin'?" Jared asked, puckering up once he'd managed to get the door unlocked.

"What, you're not gonna invite me in for a nightcap?" Jensen gave him an exasperated sigh. "Wasted evening, if I ain't even gonna score."

"I don't put out on the first date, Jen."

Making a noise of disgust, his friend shoved past Jared and the hyperactive dogs. "All right then, I guess I'll kick your ass at Guitar Hero."

"As if," Jared snorted, trying not to trip over Sadie, Harley, or his own feet.

They played for a while but for once Jensen was soundly beating him; Jared was just too out of it to put up much of a fight. After he lost the third game in a row, his friend took pity on him and switched to the TV. Without asking and with an impish little grin, Jared pulled Jensen into his arms and snuggled up, half for laughs and half because, well, he wanted to.

Jensen gave him a long-suffering sigh but wrapped his arm around Jared's shoulder.

"You smell nice," Jared said after a while.

"How wasted are you?"

"Hmm... Mostly just fuckin' tired, I think."

Jensen's hand moved to Jared's head to pat him like a child, but then he kept it there and started winding his fingers through Jared's hair. It felt really good; having his hair played with was one of those things that immediately relaxed him, almost like a drug. Only kinda arousing, too.

So of course it seemed like a good idea, once Jensen stopped, to twist around and kiss him again.

Their lips met more easily tonight and Jared felt his heartbeat throbbing through his body as Jensen's arms wrapped around him, holding him, mouth opening, fully participating in the kiss this time. He wiggled closer and ended up straddling Jensen's lap, their chests pressed together. Jensen's hands stroked up and down his spine, coming to rest on his hips, and Jared couldn't hold back from a little thrust forward and certainly couldn't restrain his groan as his cock pressed up against Jensen's.

Hard. Aroused. By him.

Breathless, he pulled back a little. Jensen opened his eyes slowly and the clear desire in them made Jared want to push him down into the sofa and fuck him senseless.

Or be fucked. Whichever.

Jensen's hands tightened on his hips, though, holding him still, and Jared obeyed the unspoken order. They just looked at each other for a few moments, breath slowing down, rational thought returning.

Jensen looked away.

Suppressing a sigh, Jared crawled off his lap. They didn't talk much more; it was late, and well. As horny as Jared was, it just didn't feel right - and if that made him a pussy for thinking it, then so be it. He wouldn't mind fucking Jensen but he didn't want to use him either, and he couldn't be sure that wouldn't be what he was doing.

So yeah.

At least now he'd be able to think of something hot enough to jerk off to, he thought, trying to look on the bright side as he locked the door behind Jensen, turned off the lights, and made his way to bed.

*****

Jared worked out extra long the next day, relishing the feeling of renewed energy that he'd woken up with. Apparently a good orgasm to clean out the pipes, ten hours of solid sleep, and something else to think about – namely Jensen – were exactly what he needed to almost feel like his normal self again. He'd made it through the two days off by keeping himself busy with fairly normal activities and if he spaced out sometimes, well, no one was around to see. The groceries were bought, the house cleaned up, and the dogs given a much-needed bath.

He got together with a few local friends on Friday afternoon, some of the crew and their buddies, and watched a baseball game, staying around for dinner and a few hands of cards afterward. He went home that night with an extra $50 and a headache from too much beer and sugar - or too much socializing and repressed worry, possibly - and checked his messages to find two from Jensen.

Jensen, who he'd been trying not to think about for the last couple of days, and failing. Well, he'd been trying not to obsess; there was nothing wrong with just thinking about his friend, after all. It was the thoughts about skin and touching and tasting and wondering what all those hard muscles would feel like under his hands that Jared was trying to avoid.

Not so very successfully.

Really, he knew it wasn't a good thing to be focusing on just now. Or ever, maybe, but definitely not now, not when a big part of the allure was the fact that it made it a lot easier to avoid thinking about his test results. That wasn't fair to Jensen and wasn't fair to their friendship of over three years.

It was just fucked up that the one potentially happy thought currently bouncing around his head was something he couldn't allow himself to think about. Jen had been so great lately, steady and calm and there for him. Jared had no idea how he'd have gotten through the last two weeks without him but knew it would have been a whole lot worse. His teasing and friendship and even their silly date had been just awesome. And the serious conversations had been pretty nice, too. They normally didn't talk about things like love and death and sex and fears, but it had been ok. Good, even. Usually that was what girlfriends were for, those kinds of talks, and it was surprising to realize that Jensen was sort of filling that role now.

Jared chuckled to himself, imagining Jensen as his girlfriend. The smile faded from his face when the word boyfriend popped into his head unbidden.

Yeah, Jensen would probably be pretty good at that too.

Jared got into bed, set the alarm for early, and tossed and turned for about an hour before he sighed and picked up his phone.

"I can't believe you're calling me to tell me you can't sleep at, what, ass-o'clock at night?" Jensen grumbled.

"Oh come on, you'd turn your ringer off if you really didn't want to talk to me."

"God, I hate you."

"Yeah, that's why you hang out with me all the time," Jared chuckled.

"Where were you?"

"Tim's, for the Mets versus Cardinals. Then Chinese food and poker. You'd be proud of me: I actually won money this time."

"Only because I wasn't there," Jensen laughed, and Jared stuck his tongue out even though his friend couldn't see it. "So why're you callin' me now? It's late."

Jared shrugged and looked at the shadows on his ceiling. "Three more days," he finally said.

Jensen sighed. "You need to relax and go to sleep, Jay. Just put it out of your mind."

The next words that came out of Jared's mouth were not his fault. A wicked urge hit him out of nowhere and it was entirely Jensen's fault, with his soothing, husky voice right in Jared's ear, which made him start talking before he had a chance to censor himself.

"You know what always makes me fall asleep..." he said with a leer in his voice.

There was a long pause, long enough that Jared started to get a little nervous, although he'd been joking. Mostly.

Jensen's breathing changed a little. "You hittin' on me?"

"Tryin' to," Jared grinned, although he wasn't sure if he was still just teasing or not. Either option would work, though, so whatever.

"You fall asleep after you come?" Jensen asked in a voice that was almost a purr, the most purely sexual voice Jared had ever heard him use. He couldn't tell if Jen was just teasing him back or what, but it was sexy as shit.

And it was kind of making him hard.

"Mmm... Yeah," Jared replied, putting some amusement into his voice in case they were just giving each other hell, but he let his hand reach down and start rubbing his dick anyway. And it was true, regardless. "So, what are you wearin'?"

"Yeah, this isn't weird," Jensen said with a slightly breathless chuckle.

"Come on man, just play along."

"Fuck. Uh. I'm wearing boxers; how about you?"

"Nothing."

"You sleep naked?"

"When I'm alone, yeah. I get hot," Jared said in his dirtiest voice.

Jensen snorted. "But you don't sleep naked when you have company?"

"Well, when I have certain kinds of company..."

"Oooh-kaay..."

There was a long pause and Jared's breathing was audibly filling it.

"Are you, uh...?" Jensen asked, trailing off.

Jared's hand started stroking in earnest. "Yeah." He moaned a little. "Are you?"

"Aw, fuck." There was a slight rustling sound on Jensen's end. "Yes. God, this is fucked up, even for us."

"Kinda hot, though."

"Sure, if you get off on weird."

"I get off on you," Jared said without thinking.

A noise kind of like a moan came from Jensen's end. Jared thrust up into his own hand in response, gasping as he pictured it - Jensen, naked in his bed, hard cock in one hand, phone in the other, eyes closed, face and chest flushed with arousal.

Because of Jared.

His hand worked harder, pleasure tearing through him like a hot summer storm, abs clenching as his body started to reach for climax already. "Oh shit, man. I'm so close,” he groaned.

"Damn," Jensen chuckled, breathless. "You've got no stamina!"

Jared shook his head. "S'cuz this is so fuckin' weird," he panted. "And it's been a few days - too stressed out."

"No wonder you've been such a bitch," his friend said, groaning a little on the last few words.

A wave of pleasure at the sound of it flashed through Jared and just about did him in.

"You want that?" he gasped, hand clenching tight, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling his bedroom as he worked his cock. "Want me to be your bitch, Jen? I will," he panted. "I will. And then I'll make you mine," he managed to grunt, as he let his own words and the images they created push him over the edge. He came for what felt like forever, long pulses that shot all the way up his chest, totally not caring about how loud he was being or what he was saying or anything other than the brilliant flash of ecstasy burning through his body like lightning.

His eyes fluttered, hand unclenching a little, still enjoying the last jolts of pleasure as he heard a deep groan from Jensen's end, muffled, probably by a bitten lip. He wondered idly what it would take to get Jensen to yell, full and loud.

They both breathed for a few minutes, harsh gasping turning into quiet pants and finally nearly-silent breaths.

"We are not talkin' about this. Like, ever."

Jared snorted. "Yeah, ok. Was good, though. Thanks, Jen."

He got a snort in reply. "You're welcome, I guess. See you in the morning."

"G'night."

"Night."

Jared clicked off the phone and wiped his sticky hand and stomach clean on the sheets. He fell asleep minutes later, phone still in his left hand and a smile on his face.

**Part 4**




hit counter