Entry tags:

fics, jared/jensen, rps

Fic: Near-Life Experience, 2/4
Title: Near-Life Experience
Author: salixbabylon
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3695
Disclaimer: No offense meant at all to the real guys. This is just fiction, people.

Summary: Sometimes it only takes one phone call to change your entire life...
Written for the spn_comingclean challenge.

Notes: Love love love for sarka, for listening, reading, and removing one hundred thousand commas. (I only put a few of them back in. *g*)

Part 1

Near-Life Experience


The day after the test was easier, although still blurry. He still felt a little numb, almost like he was mentally in shock or something, but Jared managed to lose himself in his usual routine of tidying up, walking the dogs, and memorizing lines. His regular phone call to his mom that night left him feeling a little rattled, but a couple of bottles of beer and shots of tequila kept the panic at bay. Mostly.

The following morning was an early call, which made him regret the tequila a little, but not enough to stop himself from repeating the treatment the following evening when he couldn't stop picturing Scott, emaciated and weak and dying. He knew he was probably getting into a bad habit with the booze but Jensen had called to ask him how he was, after a day of shooting concerned looks at him, and he just needed to unwind somehow. It wasn't like a few weeks of drinking too much were going to turn him into an alcoholic, and anyway, it was proving easier than usual to channel Sam's angst with a nice dose of his own personal worries to draw from.

By the third day Jared knew the strain was getting to him when he snapped at a girl who had done nothing wrong except bring him a cup of coffee that was too hot to drink. Everyone had turned to look at him and he'd felt like the biggest dick on the planet. He'd apologized profusely (and sincerely) and everyone had just shrugged it off and got on with whatever they were doing, but Jared couldn't let it go. He had to find a way to deal with this for the next week and a half that didn't involve a daily hangover and yelling at innocent bystanders.

On Friday, when his morning jerk off in the shower ended with him sobbing pathetically for a few minutes after his brain had latched onto a memory of Scott fucking him in their tiny bathroom, he decided he needed to come up with a plan. He got dressed and sat down with breakfast and a pad of paper and wrote out a full schedule for the next ten days, every moment accounted for and including plenty of physical exercise. Hopefully, that would stop his mind from wandering to bad places.

It was a good plan and that day and the next were easier; Jared was busy and focused and didn't have time to panic, although it was always there under the surface. Jensen still shot him those concerned glances sometimes but didn't bring it up when they were alone, aside from a quick "You holding up ok, man?" and an affirmative nod from Jared. Of course, when they were alone together, Jared tried really hard to stay focused on rehearsing, or on kicking Jensen's ass at whatever video game they were playing - they hadn't just hung out and done nothing since the night of the testing. Jared wasn't avoiding him, really, just... Didn't want to talk about it.

Except that it was kind of killing him not to.

On Saturday he was in the gym on-set, productively killing time and trying to burn off some nervous energy while Jensen did a few scenes by himself.

He'd had a pretty good workout until near the end, when he was sitting on the bench, slowly doing bicep curls, and just froze. He had no idea how long he'd sat there, staring at the row of weights on the floor, when Jensen sat down next to him and startled him out of his trance.

"What if I get sick?" he blurted.

Jensen slung an arm around his shoulders, for once not commenting on how he smelled post-workout. "You won't get sick."

"You don't know that," he shot back.

"It'll come back negative," Jensen said, shaking his head.

"You don't know that."

Jensen made an impatient noise. "No. But it's what I have to believe."

"What if yours is positive?" Jared scowled.

"Shut up, man!" Jensen said with a laugh. "God, you're a bitch when you're worried, aren't you?"

"Jerk." The corner of Jared's mouth quirked up into a small smile, betraying him.

They sat for a moment, silent, just sharing space. As usual, Jared was the one to end it, opening his mouth and just rambling on, wherever his thoughts led him.

"When I was in high school, the AIDS quilt came to town. Did you ever see it?" he asked.

Jensen shook his head, leaning back to get comfortable.

Jared nodded. "I didn't really have a whole lot of interest in it, but my friend Katie really wanted to go and she didn't want to go alone, so," he shrugged. "I agreed to keep her company. Thought it would be pretty lame, you know, just some big quilt on the floor. Just some names. Not a big deal."

He bit his lower lip for a moment, remembering it.

"We got there and it was like, the whole floor of the gym was just covered. There were little tiny footpaths, like six inches wide... Square after square after square after square of these little memorials. For all these people who'd died. And that was just a teeny tiny little potion of the quilt... Katie started to cry. That was the first time I ever had to deal with a crying woman, I think..."

"And you've had to deal with it so often since then," Jensen teased lightly.

"Shut up, asshole," Jared snorted. "Anyway. It was... Hard." He swallowed around the knot in his throat. "I'm scared."

"I know." The familiar arm wrapped around his shoulders again, and after a moment Jensen actually pulled him into a real hug. Jared could feel him taking a deep breath and then heard him whisper, "I'm a little scared too."

Jared pulled away and gave his friend a long look. He'd pretty much thought Jen was only along for the ride, for support, and he hadn't seemed even slightly worried. At least that's what Jared had thought, but it was possible he'd been a little too wrapped up in his own blind panic and just hadn't seen the little signs that tended to give Jensen away when he was worried about something big. He was pretty good at hiding them from most people, but, well, Jared knew him pretty well.

He just hadn't been looking because he was such a narcissistic dick and a bad friend.

Fuck.

He couldn't think of anything comforting to say so instead he poked Jensen in the ribs, where he was ticklish, and teased him in his best little-brother voice, "Well, you should be."

Jensen rolled his eyes and tried to shove him off the bench. "Oh come on, Jay - you confusing real life and acting again? How often have you seen me actually pick someone up at a bar or a party and go home with them?" he demanded. At Jared's raised eyebrow he clarified, "Or even disappear long enough for a quick fuck in the bathroom?"

"Hmm... Never?"

"Exactly. I'm not the player that Dean is," Jensen said, then grinned and added, "Just like you're apparently not the eunuch that Sam is."

"Sam's not a eunuch!" Jared said defensively. "He's grieving. And I've had to be naked during shooting more than you have!"

Jensen rolled his eyes. "Whatever. My point is that I'm not the manwhore everyone seems to have decided I am. Did you really think that?" he said, looking disappointed and also slightly hurt.

Jared shrugged. "Not really. Doesn't explain why you always go out with stupid looking bimbos though."

"They don't expect much," Jensen shrugged back. "They're easy to deal with. And I'm not really looking for anything meaningful at all."

"Yeah. Thank God I'm single," he agreed. "I mean, I never thought I'd be glad that the only thing I've fucked lately is my right hand, but yeah. I can't imagine having to tell a girlfriend about this. Or a boyfriend," he added after a moment.

"Yeah, no kidding."

For the rest of the day Jared was relived to find himself distracted by thoughts no more angst-filled than wondering why a guy like Jensen was single and why Jared hadn't noticed that it had been months, maybe even since their last break, since his friend had even mentioned a girl.

*****

Since it was a Saturday night, and they'd only had half a day of shooting, Jared felt that he ought to be at least a little social, so he offered to grill some skirt steak for dinner. Jensen showed up at his house a couple of hours later, bringing some contributions from the market near his house, and they had a nice meal, the atmosphere as easy and comfortable as anything could be. The worry was like a toothache - or the throb of a broken bone, maybe, to pick a more recent example - always there, but could be ignored if he tried hard enough. But then something stupid would happen, like knocking his cast against the wall or trying to get the top off a bottle of beer, and he'd be reminded again. He couldn't forget, but he gave it a damn good try for most of the evening.

Once the sun went down and the dogs were tired out from endless games of frisbee, they all went inside and collapsed on the sofa. Jensen was absorbed in whatever program was on the cooking channel, to Jared's amusement, and they watched in silence until eventually Jared's thoughts wandered down familiar gloomy paths again.

"I think we should make a list of everyone we've ever slept with," he said out of the blue, at the next commercial break.

Jensen's head turned slowly away from an advertisement for air freshener to give him an incredulous look, then clearly made an effort to not even ask about his thought process. "What, like, now? No way."

"Sure, why not?" Jared said, going to get some notepads and pens. "Now's good. Unless you can't possibly remember the names of everyone you've fucked..." he said in a challenging tone.

Jensen rolled his eyes. "Not actually a slut, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah. So you said," he teased, and wasn't really surprised when he got a punch on the arm for it.

"No; because it's not going to come back positive," Jensen said in a serious tone.

"You don't know that."

Jensen huffed in impatience. "Whatever. I've always been pretty careful."

Jared shook his head. "I dunno, man. Did you read that list of 'risky activities' on the stuff they sent us home with? Who uses dental dams or gloves? Have you ever gotten a blowjob using a condom? It's fucking unreal."

"Yeah, well. 'They' say you should pretty much wrap yourself in latex before you even touch anybody," Jensen shrugged.

"Exactly." The note of panic in his voice was coming through a lot more clearly than Jared liked.

"You cant live your life like that, Jay," Jensen said, shaking his head.

"I know, but... Is it unsafe?"

His friend made a face. "Yes? But so is getting in a car every day."

"Point." Jared sat for a moment, then picked up his notebook and decided to get to it anyway. Just in case; not because he was being pessimistic. Just for something to do while Jensen watched Paula Dean, although he, too, picked up his pad of paper with a long-suffering sigh and scribbled a few things on it every now and then.

Jared couldn't resist snooping while Jensen was in the bathroom and was disappointed to find less than a half-dozen first names. "This can't be all the people you've ever slept with," he accused when Jensen returned.

"Jesus, Jared - it's none of your fucking business!" Jensen griped, striding over and trying to grab the list out of his hand.

Jared easily held it out of reach, still looking it over. "Hey, there's a guy's name on here too. What's the question mark mean?" he asked.

Giving up, Jensen flounced onto the couch and scowled. "Fuck off. God, you're a dick. It's none of your business," he said again. Jared gave him an "I'm waiting" look, and he sighed. "Fine. It's everyone I had potentially unsafe sex with or didn't use condoms with, as far as I can remember."

"Including blowjobs and stuff?" Jared asked.

"Yeah."

"Hmm... How risky is that? Maybe we should get some more information about this."

"From where?" Jensen asked with a frown. "Any medically trained person is going to tell us to always use rubbers, for everything."

"Yeah. God this sucks. I don't know what to do," Jared sighed, sitting down and giving Jensen back his list.

Shaking his head, Jensen reached for another beer and took a long drink before answering. "I don't either. Let's just wait until we get the results back, ok? We're probably freaking out over nothing."

"It just sucks," he groaned.

Jensen rolled his eyes and kicked him in an affectionate sort of way. "You already said that."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't change it from sucking so much, you know?"

Chuckling, Jensen reached for the remote. "I know. Let's just watch a game and get drunk," he suggested, flipping over to the sports channel.

The basketball game held Jared's attention for a little while, assisted by the second six-pack he and Jensen were plowing through. Jensen had taken one look at all of the bottles in his recycling bin and refused to let him break out anything harder, which was probably a good thing. The beer gave him a mellow enough buzz that he was mostly just relaxed and easily distracted, and distraction was just what Jared needed.

Unfortunately, it wasn't working.

He slouched down into the cushions, resting his feet on the coffee table and pulled a throw pillow into his arms like a security blanket. He hadn't realized how much he was brooding until Jensen made an exasperated noise and Jared realized the game was at halftime and he hadn't even noticed.

Jensen stretched his arm out over the back of the couch. "Come here."

"What?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, just come here and be cuddled like the little girl you obviously are," Jensen said with as much fake disgust as he could manage.

Jared stuck his tongue out. "Fuck you."

"You want cuddling or not?"

"Fine," Jared huffed, moving closer like he was doing Jensen a big favor.

The game started again. Jensen was warm. Reassuring. And ignoring him completely, aside from the fingertips that rubbed at his shoulder in an unconscious way, which was actually for the best, Jared thought. His body started to relax, comforted more than he wanted to admit.

As his mind wandered his mouth opened and started working, like always. Jensen almost never seemed to mind, and since the teams playing weren't ones either of them cared much about, Jared just let himself talk.

"I can't imagine how Scott must be dealing with all of this; I feel horrible just thinking about the tests, about having it. But I'm so unbelievably pissed off at him for making me go through this, too... Like it's his fault or something. Stupid; it's not like he forced me to not use condoms..."

Jensen made an affirmative noise, eyes glued to the TV but Jared knew he was listening and it was just his way of giving him space to think.

"I'm pissed off at myself for not taking care of myself," he finally sighed. "For believing him when he said he didn't sleep around so he was clean. For not insisting."

The hand on his shoulder lifted and petted his hair. The silence stretched, not uncomfortably.

"Tell me about him?" Jensen prompted.

Jared shrugged a little, which had the benefit of wiggling him closer to Jensen. It was nice to be held, for once; as such a big guy, mostly he did the holding and reassuring. This was good. Different, but nice.

"He was my first," he answered, letting the thoughts come out slowly. "First guy. I dunno; it was right after I got to LA. Met him at a party, we had the same agent. I thought he was just friendly at first, but then he kissed me one night, and, well. Turned out I wasn't as straight as I'd thought, so I kissed him back. We were together for a few months; things kind of fell apart around the holidays."

He felt Jensen nod. The silence grew again but it wasn't weird. Jared suddenly couldn't think of why he hadn't told Jensen about this before; it really wasn't a big deal. His friend didn't seem upset, hadn't tensed up at all, and Jared was definitely close enough that he'd have been able to feel even the slightest change in his body. It was ok. He hadn't expected Jen to be homophobic, but still, you never knew. Instead it was just one more thing it turned out they shared, he thought, remembering the guy's name on Jensen's list.

"Tell me about your first guy?" he asked.

Jensen was quiet for a long time, long enough that Jared thought maybe he wasn't going to answer. When he did, it was quietly and haltingly, and Jared knew he was being entrusted with something his friend rarely, if ever, talked about.

"Trevor. I really liked him, a lot. So I thought, why not? And it felt right. So I decided I must be bi and just hadn't really realized it - made sense of some of the weird feelings I'd had about some guys in the past. I must have been attracted to them in high school, just never realized, since I hadn't thought of it as an option, you know? I think when you're bi it's easy to just ignore that part of yourself if you don't know what to do with it."

Jared snorted a quiet laugh. "Yeah, it's not like anyone was pushing me to consider being bisexual in San Antonio, you know?"

"Exactly," Jensen said, hand falling back onto the couch so that Jared missed the warmth on his shoulder as Jensen leaned forward to get his bottle from the table and take a long drink. "Were you in love with him?" he asked, putting the drink back and turning slightly to make eye contact for the first time since they'd started talking.

Jared thought about it for a while. "Who knows? I was nineteen. I thought I was. It hurt at the time, but it wasn't like he was the love of my life or anything."

"Yeah," Jensen nodded. "Funny how you always think it's love and it hurts like a bitch, but then a few years later it's like it wasn't a big deal at all and so it must not have been the real thing..." he said in a thoughtful tone.

"Yeah. And you let yourself get talked into things you know you shouldn't," Jared agreed. A hint of bitterness crept into his voice, so he decided to wash it away with more beer.

Jensen gave him a questioning look, so he explained, wondering if he was delving into Too Much Information territory, "We were safe at first. But then there were a few nights where we were drunk or lazy or whatever. I freaked out the first couple times, but he'd always say he wasn't some skank who slept around a lot and I believed him. It was done anyway, right?" he said, disgusted. "So I just put it out of my mind. It's so easy to just ignore what you don't want to see when you're young and you're busy. You're invincible, you know? Bad things couldn't possibly happen to you."

Jensen's arm wrapped around him again, comforting. The game was over and Jared had no idea who had even won. It wasn't important. Jensen had turned the sound down when they'd started talking, and the dogs were snuffling in their sleep on the other side of the couch. The part of Jared that had felt terrified and alone for the last five days (or eight days, really, since Scott's phone call) finally felt calm, taken care of. Not reassured, not forgetful of the drama, but... at peace with it. With waiting, with Jensen.

That was the only excuse he had for putting his hand on Jensen's thigh and twisting around, barely meeting his friend's gaze for a second before he kissed him.

It wasn't an earth-shattering kiss, nor full of lust and passion, as Jared had sometimes fantasized about in the most private corners of his mind. But it was nice. Jensen's lips were soft and full, welcoming without pressuring in any way. Mouths barely open, just a slight hint of barbecue sauce and beer and Jensen.

For all that it was more friendly than sexy, and in spite of all the things that it wasn't, it was still a damn nice kiss.

At least it was until Jen pushed him back with a gentle hand on his shoulder, eyes clouded with things Jared couldn't read. "You don't really want this," he said in a solemn voice, "You're just doing this because you're scared."

Jared fought against the urge to scowl and gave Jen's objection some thought for a moment, lips still tingling and head buzzing equally from too much beer and too much Jensen. His gaze shifted back to his friend's as he shook his head. It totally wasn't true, but still. "Yeah, ok," he said. "It's getting late."

"Jared."

"No, really. It's ok," he lied. "You're right. I am scared. And this isn't the right time. Thanks for the girly cuddling, though."

Jensen's mouth twisted up in smile as they both got up from the couch. "Any time."

And that was one of the best things about Jen, Jared thought as the door closed behind him. He meant it. Jared didn't have to be anyone other than who he was, however he was in whatever moment, with Jen. Scared out of his mind, silly, goofy, sad, or even affectionate. Jensen was there for him.

Part 3





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